Dilating Pupil
Last time on Rosie's VJ: I had a couple of days left in the hospital, an incomprehensible amount of material in my bowels, and was pretty drugged up. Since then, I've left the hospital and am back at the comfort of the hotel.
Leaving the hospital was a nightmare. On Friday morning I was woken up at 6am by a nurse, who gave some pain killers and told me to drink 2 litres of water before 7.30am or something. She also blocked my catheter, meaning drinking 2 litres of water was no small feat, especially with the aforementioned full bowels pushing on my bladder, and the vag packing pushing on it too. So I did anyway, and it was difficult. Then the doctor came and took out all the packing in my vj, which was there to make sure it didn't just close up like in the Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo and co land inside that big monster and then it tries to keep them sealed inside to be digested.
Then they showed me how to dilate. Long story short - you put a huge lubed up dildo in your poosee for 30 minutes. Mine got to 16cm first time (not to brag or anything, but some of you gals' vaginas are small time compared to mine). At that size, it must be full of secrets. Since then I have advanced to about 17.5cm. Even more secrets.
They took the catheter out after that and told me I had to pee by 10am. I fell asleep till like 9.40, when the nurses arrived angry that I hadn't peed. Then I couldn't pee because of the pressure, so I got real stressed and angry. Then they didn't even care when I didn't pee by 10am, because apparently I had till pretty much 1pm. When I finally did pee, thinking it would be this momentous cause for celebration judging by how they'd built it up, I rung the nurse's bell ready to give the good news. She stuck her head in the door and said "Pee?". I nodded, she left. Nobody said anything about it again.
Dilating is a chore though. You gotta set up a mat so that you dont leave 'fluids' everywhere. You chuck a condom on your dilator, lube it up, lube up the entrance to the vagina (I believe this should be called The Stairway to Heaven)... Then you have to get the dilator in there to the right depth. Once it's at that right depth, the timer begins - 30 minutes. I like to write haikus about Keira Knightley while I'm waiting:
"Keira, my carer
Knightley in shining armour
Give me your cheekbones"
Then when I'm done, I've gotta clean everything, sanitize the southern regions (stings like crazy), and finally put clothes on again.
And that's dilating. 2 times a day, every day for the next 2 (I think) weeks. Then I go up to 3 times doing 'dynamic' dilation. What this means is a secret only the doctor and my vagina know, but I do know it will dominate most of my life for the next 6 months. People quit their jobs because of dilation (not joking).
There's not much more to update you all on. I can't sleep much cause my new flatmate goes mental at night. Serious pain, and painkillers don't do much. If I lie on my side it's worse, and who can sleep facing upwards. That's fucked. I need to be foetal on some level. I'm gonna try ice it tonight, so we'll see how that goes. Worst that can happen is I'll have a cold vagina. Or frostbite? Can a vagina fall off? If it does I'll tell you so you guys don't also ice your vaginas off. One for all and all for one. I don't know if that's the right saying.
I don't have any pics this time cause all I've done is sat here. Do let me know if you'd like some pics of me sitting here though. There is an Instagram account featuring Rosie's Pharmaceutical Emporium. I don't know how you can find it cause I don't know what my Instagram is. Nobody has placed any orders yet, but we've got about 7 different products, particularly useful if you've just had a penis reconstructed into a vagina. Stock is limited though, because as it turns out I've just had a penis reconstructed into a vagina, so I'm right in the target market and will probably consume most of the stock.
OH! I did a HUGE shit after 9 days. Just enormous. Everytime I stood up thinking I was done more would come. It was unbelievable. I'm surprised I didn't block the toilet. It looked like a big coiled snake by the time I was done. Great news.
Ok bye!
Leaving the hospital was a nightmare. On Friday morning I was woken up at 6am by a nurse, who gave some pain killers and told me to drink 2 litres of water before 7.30am or something. She also blocked my catheter, meaning drinking 2 litres of water was no small feat, especially with the aforementioned full bowels pushing on my bladder, and the vag packing pushing on it too. So I did anyway, and it was difficult. Then the doctor came and took out all the packing in my vj, which was there to make sure it didn't just close up like in the Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo and co land inside that big monster and then it tries to keep them sealed inside to be digested.
Then they showed me how to dilate. Long story short - you put a huge lubed up dildo in your poosee for 30 minutes. Mine got to 16cm first time (not to brag or anything, but some of you gals' vaginas are small time compared to mine). At that size, it must be full of secrets. Since then I have advanced to about 17.5cm. Even more secrets.
They took the catheter out after that and told me I had to pee by 10am. I fell asleep till like 9.40, when the nurses arrived angry that I hadn't peed. Then I couldn't pee because of the pressure, so I got real stressed and angry. Then they didn't even care when I didn't pee by 10am, because apparently I had till pretty much 1pm. When I finally did pee, thinking it would be this momentous cause for celebration judging by how they'd built it up, I rung the nurse's bell ready to give the good news. She stuck her head in the door and said "Pee?". I nodded, she left. Nobody said anything about it again.
Dilating is a chore though. You gotta set up a mat so that you dont leave 'fluids' everywhere. You chuck a condom on your dilator, lube it up, lube up the entrance to the vagina (I believe this should be called The Stairway to Heaven)... Then you have to get the dilator in there to the right depth. Once it's at that right depth, the timer begins - 30 minutes. I like to write haikus about Keira Knightley while I'm waiting:
"Keira, my carer
Knightley in shining armour
Give me your cheekbones"
Then when I'm done, I've gotta clean everything, sanitize the southern regions (stings like crazy), and finally put clothes on again.
And that's dilating. 2 times a day, every day for the next 2 (I think) weeks. Then I go up to 3 times doing 'dynamic' dilation. What this means is a secret only the doctor and my vagina know, but I do know it will dominate most of my life for the next 6 months. People quit their jobs because of dilation (not joking).
There's not much more to update you all on. I can't sleep much cause my new flatmate goes mental at night. Serious pain, and painkillers don't do much. If I lie on my side it's worse, and who can sleep facing upwards. That's fucked. I need to be foetal on some level. I'm gonna try ice it tonight, so we'll see how that goes. Worst that can happen is I'll have a cold vagina. Or frostbite? Can a vagina fall off? If it does I'll tell you so you guys don't also ice your vaginas off. One for all and all for one. I don't know if that's the right saying.
I don't have any pics this time cause all I've done is sat here. Do let me know if you'd like some pics of me sitting here though. There is an Instagram account featuring Rosie's Pharmaceutical Emporium. I don't know how you can find it cause I don't know what my Instagram is. Nobody has placed any orders yet, but we've got about 7 different products, particularly useful if you've just had a penis reconstructed into a vagina. Stock is limited though, because as it turns out I've just had a penis reconstructed into a vagina, so I'm right in the target market and will probably consume most of the stock.
OH! I did a HUGE shit after 9 days. Just enormous. Everytime I stood up thinking I was done more would come. It was unbelievable. I'm surprised I didn't block the toilet. It looked like a big coiled snake by the time I was done. Great news.
Ok bye!
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